Last year’s Halloween editor’s letter about the time I waterboarded a friend of mine for fun upset a few people. It was a joke, okay. No one at this magazine has ever drowned anyone and me and my friends don’t physically torture each other for fun. Emotionally? Well that’s a different story. So this year I’m going to tone things down a little and tell you the very true story about how I like to eat human flesh.
The word “cannibal” has a pretty nasty stigma surrounding it. I actually prefer the term “advanced carnivore.” If you’ve ever seen Ice-T’s magnum opus, Surviving the Game, you are undoubtedly aware that human is the deadliest prey of all. Thus, me and my human flesh eating brethren sit atop the food chain.
No, I don’t get it from McDonalds or Burger King or some gross hot dog stand or even a Pho noodle house. Human flesh is not a cheap street meat and it’s considered a delicacy in many cultures. Fact!
Sure you can pay off a mortician and get human meat from a morgue. They’re basically meat lockers and who’s really gonna care if you sneak in there and hive off a little meat for a sandwich? But the real way to do this is to get it fresh. And by fresh, I mean hacked off someone who’s still breathing.
There are several ways to do this. You can club someone over the head and tie them up in your cellar and carve yourself off a little carpaccio. But yeah, that’s torture and, as stated earlier, I will have no part of that. The best way to go about procuring fresh human meat is through a home delivery service. They pretty much run on the same premise as those clubs that’ll deliver pot or afterhours booze. Just email me and I’ll give you my guy’s beeper number.
Yes, there is a service where you can get fresh human flesh. I should say that the providers of this unique service won’t come over and hack a limb off for you to cook up. It’s actually a very professional and surgical process. They’ll come over and ask you how much meat you’d like to buy. Depending on whom you get it from, it’ll set you back about $300/gram. Some meat dealers charge a premium depending on what part of their body they cut off. Legs are the cheapest, followed by the torso, then the head. Don’t be shocked by the keloid tissue scars on the self-multilator’s body. Be reassured by them as they let you know that you’re dealing with a seasoned pro.
After you hand over the money, they’ll take out a sterile razor and a digital scale and start trimming the fat, so to speak. Interestingly, the razor is always heated before cutting. This helps cauterize the wound and ensures you won’t have some freak bleed to death in your living room. After they’ve weighed it all out, you can ingest it in any number of ways. Sprinkled on pasta or spread on a cracker is what I’d recommend.
I should caution you that eating human meat is not only expensive, it’s a little bit addictive. If you run out of cash you’ll inevitably end up turning to a free source of fresh meat to satisfy your cravings. Namely, your own body. And let’s face it, that’s just plain gross! So kids, if you’re reading this, learn from my mistakes and please stay off the flesh. Sure, it’s all good times in the fall and winter. But come summertime, when you’re at the beach, people will suspect the reason why you’re not taking your shirt off is because you have moobs.
published october 2009 in ion magazine
Photography: Meghan Rennie